hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize