my vag is so smooth its legendary
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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