the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
