Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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