the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
