I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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