It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
