I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The air was thick with penises
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
