I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize