Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
