Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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