i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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