you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My ATM looks so different sober.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
