I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
