i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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