if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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