Your tits are I can't wait for
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
