We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
