I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
