Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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