I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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