if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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