You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i drank out of a bidet.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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