i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Someone shattered a urinal.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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