You can't motorboat a personality
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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