Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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