I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize