We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
