I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
