Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
