She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize