I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
