Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Vodka?
Forever.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
