I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
