I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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