This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
