I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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