A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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