i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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