I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
