i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
