My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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