I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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