Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She told me I should be a condom model.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
