i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
