Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize