I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
