Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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