can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
