soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
