I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
