I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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