she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
