8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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