I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
