Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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