I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
