There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
