Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
