Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
